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A Letter To My Baby

I tried. I tried so hard for you. I wanted this more than I’ve ever wanted it before.

I cherished the weeks we had. I cried when I had to let go. It doesn’t seem fair that it was taken from us so quickly.

We had many struggles to overcome and we could have. But, my sweet baby the Thrush just wouldn’t let go. Mommy tried. Mommy tried natural and traditional medicine but this Candida running through her body wouldn’t let go.

I know I tried my hardest. I know I gave it my all. I went through a lot and held on longer than most, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.I still feel like a failure.

I will grieve now. I’ll grieve the bonding experience of breastfeeding. I’ll grieve the comfort it gave you. I’ll mourn the loss of nature’s perfect milk for your body.

I’ll stare at the few pictures I took of you nursing and I’ll cry. I’ll shed many tears. I’ll have feelings of regret.

But one day I’ll be able to look back on this experience and know I did what I could. I fought hard. And I’ll look at those pictures and smile. Knowing that, even though it was brief we did have that special time together.

But for now, for now I’m just sad and sorry.

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19 Comments

  1. Oh Nell, beautiful letter. And ((hugs)).
    Know that you DID give your baby something good. He DID get breastmilk, and the bonding has happened and is still going to.

    I hope you are feeling better soon, both physically and mentally.
    I wish I could help!

    Sharons last blog post..Menu Plan Monday–February 16, 2009

  2. Nell –

    sounds like you’ve been put through the ringer. Just know that by no means are you a failure. You tried, more than your little one will ever know probably. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for a tough decision that you’ve had to make. You’re doing what’s best for your little guy, for you, for your family.

    I hope your day gets a little brighter… wish I could give you a big mama to mama hug!

    Corinnes last blog post..My adventure to the Minute Clinic

  3. big hugs.
    ANY breastmilk is good for baby. Good for you for trying so hard and doing what you could. And it is still possible to bottlefeed with love and bond in that way as well.
    Still, it is a loss and I know it will take you some time to grieve those unmet expectations.

    mama ks last blog post..Happy V-Day!

  4. PS Would it be possible for you to keep up pumping some milk along with supplimenting? Maybe that would help you feel a little better that he’s still able to have some breastmilk for a little while longer. I know a mama who exclusively pumped for the entire time. It’s a lot of work, but I thought I’d throw that out there.

    mama ks last blog post..Happy V-Day!

  5. What a sweet letter. Sounds like…You did the BEST you could- don’t beat yourself up. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Thrush is a terrible, terrible experience. My son had it but I did not, thankfully. He was miserable for 3 months…I was fortunate that I did not get infected while continuining to nurse. Try taking Candex supplemets to rid the Candida from your system. It’s the best stuff out there for it. I’m currently taking it just to play it safe. Also, stay away from SUGARS or foods that are a fungus- mushrooms, grapes…etc. The candida diet is hard. I had to go on it so that I could continue nursing. It’s really hard. I can understand what you might be going through. 🙂 Also, adding sauerkrat or kimshi helps keep it at bay- not sure if you’re into those things but it’s easy to make at home because it can be costly. ((HUGS)) 🙂

    Leslie – La Mama Naturales last blog post..It’s Official: Now Writing for Eco Child’s Play

  6. I am sad for you that you had to go through that and then stop nursing. I think no matter when you stop, no matter how long you have nursed, it is natural to grieve. You have lost something special to your relationship.

    But have no fear, when your grieving is finished that wonderful baby boy will be there to fill your arms! And you are not a failure because you are there to love and nurture him and see to his needs. THAT is a mother.

    Mommas last blog post..Helping Momma

  7. What a sweet letter, I could have written six of them :). I tried nursing all my kids and just don’t produce any milk. I struggled with guilt for a long time, but finally realized that feeding my baby, through whatever means, was what was best. My 5th baby almost ended up in the hospital because of dehydration. It was then that I realized that I needed to let go of the guilt and give her a bottle without feeling bad about it. I still nurse them for as long as I can- which is usually only a month or two but have to supplement with bottles for their own health and well being.
    Toni

    The Happy Housewifes last blog post..New Curtains and Clean-Up

  8. Oh Nell,
    I am so sorry. I have started to consider weaning soon as well, as I just don’t produce very much milk, but I know it is my last baby and I’m just not sure I’m ready yet! I understand the mourning – I go through it each time I stop nursing. The good news is he did get some of your yummy mama milk at the most important time!

  9. Oh girl I so feel your pain. My third was the longest I nursed and she was only a month…I cried so many times for stopping, felt guilty, felt every possible “I’m a bad mama” thought out there. But, I agree you did more than many moms do/can and you should be proud of yourself for that.

    That baby boy is gonna love you no matter and so do we all!

  10. Oh I’m so sorry, Nell. I know how difficult of a decision that is. No matter when or how you wean, it’s still always sad. You are making the best choice for you and your little guy though and I know that everything will work out ok. ((Hugs))

  11. OH, Nell, I didn’t see this yesterday, I am so sorry some people have made you feel bad about not nursing. DON’T FEEL BAD!!! That is an order. You did your best but you know what? Being in constant pain while trying to nurse is not a way to bond. It is OK to mourn the end of nursing (even when my toddler started biting me (at 12 months) and that ended the nursing, I was still sad even though I was scared to death to give him the chance of biting again) And the nursing you did give him gave him all the immunity he needs and all the great stuff from your body. And you know what? All those people not making you feel like you did a good job just need to go get thrush themselves and see how much pain it causes-THEN see if they won’t be impressed with how long you nursed while in pain.

    I think you are a hero for going through it all for Dash, and now it is your turn to enjoy feeding time. If you don’t know what kinds of formula to try ask your ped for samples of them all-he/she will give them too you. Also, I discovered that the BJ’s brand formula with DHA had the exact same ingredients and % amounts as the Enfamil at half the cost. (I do breastfeed mostly, but both JR and Little Dude got formula when we were out and about somewhere I don’t feel comfortable nursing)

    ANYWAYS, sorry this is long, but I couldn’t read this and not let you know to just ignore the haters out there that are bringing you down over this. Enjoy snuggling with Dash and all the cute bottle designs out there 🙂 And you know what I love the most about giving bottles? Daddy can help, and that is a picture almost more beautiful than a nursing mommy 🙂

    Lots of hugs. You’re awesome

    Miches last blog post..Peace in the Chaos

  12. I know you must feel sad, but don’t feel guilt. Every day you tried was a blessing to your little guy. Be careful with the post weaning hormone shifts, they can take you by surprise. Take care of yourself and keep enjoying the baby snuggles and sniffs and skin to skin contact. 🙂

    Carries last blog post..My Oldest Son Thinks He’s My Husband

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