1I’ve been fat since Lyme disease treatment started back in 2010. I began rapidly gaining weight as soon as I was put on steroids for my adrenal glands. Within the first several months on treatment for Lyme disease, which included the steroids, I gained over 25 pounds. I then was put on an antidepressant and began seeing the weight pile on even more. Before too long I was up 50 pounds. As I write now, I’m up a grand total of 70 pounds.

SEVENTY POUNDS.

1935959_1179224157296_4330889_nIt’s hard to even spit that out. Writing it down looks even more shocking. I’ve never been fat before Lyme. Even with my pregnancies, with the exception of Zane – my middle son – I didn’t gain much at all. I had typical pregnancies as far as weight was concerned. And it quickly melted away. I’ve always just been healthy weights. The most I ever weighed (not pregnant) was 160 and that was my very top (I’m 5 foot 6 inches) weight. Tipping the scale now at over 200 pounds is really hard for me to admit. I can’t believe I just wrote that down for the whole world to see. But look, please look at it – at me – and see that I’m more than that number, I’m more than the fat girl in front of you. I have a story
of my weight gain. Won’t you listen and not judge?

10398951_1205611416961_4384771_nYou see, I’m sick with late stage Lyme disease. My adrenal function is poor. My thyroid function is poor. My pituitary gland is struggling. The fatigue and weak muscles (which isn’t from being lazy, thank you very much) keeps my activity low. I can’t eat low carb without experiencing, what I can only describe as low blood sugar, though I don’t know that that’s what’s actually going on, so anyway, I don’t eat low carb – I eat medium carb – if there’s such a thing. I’m also still on antidepressant’s and mood stabilizers. So, heck yes I’m fat. My god how could I not be fat? My previous doctor said one of two things typically happens to his patients. They either a) gain weight and can’t take it off or b) lose weight and can’t put it on. I’m in camp a. I would rather be camping in camp b. Although I say that now, because I’m overweight, but I imagine being stick thin comes with its own set of challenges and judgments as well.

11702890_10206336115778291_572456946555621563_nSo here I am. fat. overweight. curvy. weight challenged – whatever it is you call fat people. I really don’t hate the word fat. I am fat. I rather like fat over the alternative, obese. That works scares the shit out of me. Technically, that is what I am. I look in the mirrow daily and don’t recognize myself. It’s like my life is broken down in two parts. Pre-Lyme and Post-Lyme. My face and body fall into those categories as well as the rest of my life and health. The healthy thin girl of my past is a now a ghost. The woman standing in the mirror now, with the double chin, and the fat rolls, and the huge breasts that are heavy and annoying, is who I am currently stuck with.

Yet, even though I feel trapped in this body – in more ways than one – I learning to embrace her. I embrace that she is a warrior. I embrace that she has kept me alive and present on this earth. I am thankful and grateful for her willingness to fight at all cost to stay alive. I’m impressed with her ability to handle a constant onslaught of infection, inflammation, and malfunction and keep going every day. I wake up alive everyday¬†because this body is a fighter. It’s more than a fat shell I carry around. It’s a beautiful, inspiring, wonderfully brilliant body that I’m blessed to call my own.

11141721_10206083840711572_8388988063118069834_nWhile I do long to be thin again, for more than vain reasons (let’s face it, carrying around 70 extra pounds of fat is not comfortable or healthy), I do value what this body has gone through, and continues to go through, fighting a disease in its late stages. Some days I feel like my body and brain are against me, fighting against my soul – like the two are warring against one another – and only one is going to win … most days I feel like she’s vibrant and my hero for keeping me strong enough to parent three boys and love one husband and do all the things she does day in and day out on a regular basis.

I’ve also come to realize that maybe she, this worn-thin-body-of-mine, won’t ever be down to the healthy weight I once knew pre-Lyme disease, but the girl I used to know is in there underneath all the infection, and with lots of hope, prayer, and fighting I have faith I’ll meet her again. And maybe she and my current self will somehow reconcile¬†the reality of what we’ve gone through for seven years and be able to heal, soul and body.

DSC_7175Until that day comes, I’ll continue getting to know this new body and not hate it. Not hate her. Because, though I am a spirit, I do have a soul, and do live in this body. She is part of who I am. I can’t hate part of who I am. It would be disrespecting the God who made me in His Image.

So today I say: Dear body, keep fighting for me – for us. Keep being the warrior you are, allowing me to live yet one more glorious day on this beautiful earth with my amazing family. And thank you for everything you do for me. You’re amazing. Wondrous really.

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