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Always On My Mind

I remember finding out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. I remember joy and excitement. I remember feeling unsure and scared. I remember thinking about how much life was going to change, and how we’d need to buy a van. I remember thinking about the money, how were the kids going to react, how was my husband going to handle this unexpected news. I remember how conflicted I felt.

As the pregnancy went on I experienced terrible mood swings, depression in the first few months, overwhelm galore, fear, and nerves I’d never felt before. Then the remaining months of the pregnancy I was sick and in and out of the doctors offices and the ER. I was weak, and exhausted, and at one point couldn’t even sit up to eat.

Yet even with the pains of this pregnancy, and the fears and emotions, I felt this odd connection with him. Like I already knew him. And in a way I had not felt with my other two pregnancies.

I could tell by his movements, and kicks that he was a gentle soul. I felt that he was most special even when he looked nothing like a human being. We were connected as one even from the very beginning. As time passed, my love for him deepened, and my understanding of who he was grew.

And then he was born. And I looked into his deep soulful eyes for the first time, but the soul staring back I already knew…and I loved.

He, the baby in the family, awakened the part of me I didn’t have before. The part of me that feels like she is on a constant high. The part of me that can be having the absolute worst day, and be running on no sleep, but when I roll over and peer into his eyes something inside of me jumps with joy and all is right with the world.

I’ve never felt a love so deep and true, so early on.

Looking into his eyes is like looking into the eyes of someone I’ve known for a lifetime, and someone who is wise beyond his years.

I’m blessed to know him, to Mother him, to be in his life.

thinking

I’m over here today showing off my dew.

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Photo taken with my Nikon D40, using my 50mm lens.

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7 Comments

  1. I didn’t have such a tough pregnancy but I did feel like I “knew” my second baby before she came out. It was crazy, and I did – I totally knew her in the womb. Hubby and I didn’t find out the sex until she was born – we both wanted that suprise. However my head was saying Boy, but my heart was saying Girl. And I knew she would be a girl. And as she grows older (she’ll be 3 in 3 weeks) I feel like I’ve known her forever.
    Lovely post, thanks.

    monstergirlees last blog post..Plus Boy Blue and Red

  2. I’m feeling that way with #6 now. It’s funny, a couple of months ago I was wondering who this little person is, but now I feel like I’m getting to know him(?) more and more with every movement.

    Wendys last blog post..T Minus 9 and Counting…

  3. You made me cry. I’m pregnant with my second and am scared, but I also feel that this little soul is so sweet and gentle and that he/she will teach me so much. I feel that connection with my first child now, but it took much longer. Children are amazing, and being a mom is amazing…it teaches you to love like you’ve never loved before.

    Erin Hills last blog post..Cheap Summer Fun Link Love

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