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Can You Handle This Transparency?

I sometimes wonder how much you can handle. You. My blog reader and friend. How much can you really stomach? How much honesty?

I’m putting you to the test today.

I have to unload this. I can’t hold it in. Today, the pain is too much to handle.

Nearly 3 ½ years ago my only brother took the life of his good friend. And with that one action he destroyed so many people’s lives.

The beautiful man he took from his family. The son that will grow up without his father. The parents who will never see their “baby” again. The wife, brothers, friends…

My family. My parents. Me. My boys. Everyone close to both sides of this tragedy were affected in some way. I almost lost my Mother to her own hand because of his actions that fateful night.

I live only minutes from where it took place. And only minutes from where he is buried. Only minutes from where my brother awaited trial for two years. Only minutes from where this man used to live.

I live with pain you can’t likely fathom.

Although I do feel deep, penetrating pain for my parents, family and the victim’s friends, the people I feel it most deeply for are the victim, his parents/siblings and the boy left behind without a Daddy.

The boy. The sweet little child. The sweet little fatherless child. Oh God.

I sometimes wonder how I’ll find a way to live with this pain. How will I be able to move forward from this? I look at my son’s and sometimes shed tears for the realization that somewhere out there his son is mourning his father.

And not to mention the pain and conflicted feelings I live with because all this pain was caused by my brother’s hands. That’s a whole other set of emotions and a whole other story I care not to share at this time.

Some days it hits me like a ton of bricks. Today, it’s one of those days.

I think of his smile. I cry. I think of his son. I cry. I cry stinging, burning, painful tears.

I cry.

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45 Comments

  1. Wow. You have touched me and I feel so much for you. I have had a similar experience and it is so hard. The pain does fade but not the memories. Thanks so much for your post and your honesty.

  2. I wish I could reach out, give you a huge hug and take you out for a nice simple cup of, well, your choice. Sounds like just the kind of thing you need today.

  3. Oh my, I really don’t know what to say, except I wish I could give you a big hug. And I like the transparency; we all have not so awesome stuff that still makes up part of who we are, but doesn’t define us. Lots of hugs to you today.

    Miches last blog post..Peace in the Chaos

  4. So sorry to read this! thanks for opening up to us! You are so courageous to share!

    2 cor 1:3-7

    “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. ”

    Renees last blog post..Pizza man

  5. Oh Nell… I’m so sorry. Your honesty is amazing, and your writing… your writing will hopefully help you through this. Writing is so therapeutic. We’re all here to listen – or read, rather.

    I wish I had words of wisdom or comfort for you, but I’m at a loss. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

    Corinnes last blog post..Thankful to be a mom… right?

  6. Oh Nell…know that we – your faithful readers – are with you in spirit.

    I can’t imagine how hard this is for you, how hard it is to not take on the guilt that belongs to your brother. To feel when he cannot – and that is what makes you so very special. You are expressing the love you have for other people, the kindness that is inside you. Where most people would just push their feelings about it all aside after so many years, you can’t because you love so deeply and strongly, and though it tears you up sometimes, God wouldn’t have it any other way.

    What kind of person would you be if you didn’t feel this pain, if you didn’t care about the lives effected by that horrible day. You are the very essense of all that is good in our world, and I’m honoured that you have opened yourself up and shared what pains you most.

    The wounds from this will always be raw for you, and because you love the way you do, your heart won’t let you move forward from the sorrow of this. Perhaps it’s not meant to…perhaps God needs you to express the emotions others cannot, to feel when others cannot, to remember when others cannot…

    …if only there were more people like you in the world Nell

    Melissa Ingolds last blog post..Selling to Information Online Business Owners: Types of Information They Look For

  7. I won’t even try to pretend I have a inkling to know what your going through. I can not imagine the emotions this can toss your way on any given day.

    I am sorry you have to carry such a heavy burden, Mellisa I. expressed very well and I could not write it any better.

    HUGs

    Chrissys last blog post..The Fashion of Love

  8. Dear one, I can only imagine the pain of this situation. Thank you for being open enough to share this with us. The question ‘Why’ can all but kill us, I pray you are able to find true peace and I pray all involved may find peace as well! {{{BIGHUGS}}}

    Karis last blog post..Sweet Giveaway

  9. What a terrible thing for anyone to have to endure. 🙁 I’m sorry you have had to go through this.

    I am never the kind of person who says things happen for a reason because that is not a scriptural view. God NEVER tests us with evil things. Evil happens because of the wicked one and our own imperfections, and “time and unforeseen occurrence” (Ecclesiastes 9:11)

    At the same time, things like this can help us to become more empathetic to others and their tragedies. I’m sure you’re a better person because of it, and this young man will see life again someday. At that point all the pain will be gone.

    Carries last blog post..Selma Hayek, Cross Nursing and Carrie

  10. My dear sweet friend, I am brought to tears.
    Thank you for sharing this with us.
    I can only imagine the emotions that your heart goes through over this.
    My heart and prayers are with you, your family and of course the victim’s family.

    Loads of love and hugs to you sweetpea.
    Your friend,
    Anita
    a Knitting Junkie!

  11. I will never forget what I was doing that afternoon you came on computer to tell me what happened. I’m so sorry the pain is creeping up on you like this. May God give you the strength to overcome this pain. You are always in my prayers and thoughts. (((hugs)))

    Jen @ One Moms Worlds last blog post..I Finally Found Myself

  12. Nell, you are so brave and so loving with a heart I only wish more in this world had. I feel deeply for you and think of and pray for you often. Know that although I can’t I would take away all your pain if I could from this. Love you sweets! ((HUGS))

  13. I wish I had words I could say that would comfort you. I am so sorry for the pain. I cannot imagine what your heart has gone through.

    I love the verse in Psalms 34:18 that says, “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” I hope you can find comfort in knowing that the Lord is near. I am praying for you. Thank you for being so open. You have such a wonderful heart!

  14. Nell, most of the time we can’t answer the why’s, but I’m terribly sorry what you and your family and the other family has had to endure. You are a sweet and beautiful person inside and how and just sharing your sadness and humility makes others stop and pause and think. Thank you for sharing your story…I’m sure you’ve helped more people than you know just by being honest and sharing your deepest feelings. My prayers go out ot your family, and the other family. Hugs!!

    Tara B.s last blog post..Shabby Baby Girl Contest

  15. I am so sorry you are carrying this around! I wish I had something more healing to say, but I don’t. Life on earth is tough. All we can do is what you’re doing– we can care. How brave you are to post about this, thank you for opening up. Just one more reminder to appreciate the fragile lives we have.

    Erin Ds last blog post..frou frou

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