It …

it has been nearly five years since the morning that shook all our worlds to the deepest core.

five years.

often it feels like 50 years, not 5.

then other times I remember so vividly what it felt like to see my brother walk into our home for dinner that it feels like just yesterday.

I’ll wrestle with the emotions and reality of that day for the rest of my life, most likely.

How could I not?

Everyone was affected.

He and I mingled in the same core group of friends. We worked at the same place. My husband still works at that same place part time.

But I have no contact with anyone now.

It was so hard on them, to lose a friend at the hand of their other friend (my brother)… I don’t blame them, but it hurt and still does.

Backs were turned. Eyes got wide, mouths whispered, lines were drawn, sides taken.

I sometimes think of them.

Wonder how they are, who they are now, if they have children and are happy.

When looking through pictures of the good times, I run into their smiling faces and miss what used to be.

wonder.

wish.

pray for them.

Recently I searched for a few of them on facebook and found their profile pictures. I smiled. Called my husband over to look at how they’ve changed, and not-so-secretly desired a re-connection with them.

But we weren’t besties or anything. And they were much closer to the friend that lost his life because of my brother.

So I don’t.

It hurts my heart that my brother’s crime has been put on me and my family, but it has, by many people.

It may not be fair but it’s a reality.

Yes, two people can grow up in the same family, with the same parents, and same life and be two such totally different people.

But…

it’s most people’s gut reaction, when they hear of it, to associate me with him.

such is life.

my life.

our lives.

I love my brother and always will.

He isn’t who he used to be. The baby brother I worked hard to protect and love and take care of. The one that I laughed with and played with all my young life. But he is still my brother, no matter what.

I’m practically all he has now.

It’s a burden but I carry it.

…because I have to… because most of the time I want to.

But lest anyone question my heart, it’s filled to the brim with compassion and love for everyone else involved in this crime… every. single. one.

Maybe—-

one day

they’ll reach out to me and say hello…

maybe they wonder about me and my family from time to time.

And if they do, I hope the memories don’t bring them sorrow but instead bring a smile to their face.

though, that might be too much to ask.

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6 Comments

  1. Nell – I can’t imagine. I just can’t. But I read your words and know that your heart is so good. You are the light in this situation. Know that. Trust that.
    .-= Corinne´s last blog ..Letting it in =-.

  2. I had no idea you were going through this all this time until that post you linked through and we must have met some time very close to when this happened.

    You are such an amazing person Nell and I hope you never let the way they reacted question that. I hope they do reach out to you some day.

    I thought this blog was gone, have to go back and see why you decided to keep it around 😉 Glad you did though!
    .-= Angela´s last blog ..I Saw Skinny Me Today =-.

  3. Nell.
    I don’t know what to say.
    Life is unfair and complicated .
    From the broken there is beauty. I feel it here.
    I wish you peace in all of this.

    you share with such humbling grace
    .-= deb @talk at the table´s last blog ..monday crumbs =-.

  4. I can’t imagine being in your shoes, and going through this.

    You are strong, and kind. Your words show how special you are. Whether they reach out or not, it doesn’t change who you are.

    YOU, bring me smiles.
    .-= Marcela´s last blog ..Yesterday morning =-.

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