I visited him today.

His family had been to see him recently, as the grave site was covered in valentine’s decor.

The ‘Dad’ spelled out in pink and red and white flowers tugged on my already fragile emotions.

His face smiles back at me on the beautiful grave stone.

He had an incredible smile. Something I remember from the time I knew him many years ago. The kind of smile that made you smile.

I talked to him. I shared my heart. And my hopes. And my sorrow. And my wishes for what could have been different that night.

I feel a different kind of feeling when I visit him now.

Something in between peace and closure.

I’ll always feel deep pain for his death. I’ll live with the reality that he is gone because of my brother, forever.

But I’m beginning to heal. I’m starting to feel that he is happy where he is. He forgives my brother. And appreciates my heart for his family and their pain and loss.

I felt slightly comforted visiting him this time.

I feel it’s a testiment to who he was is. I remember him as always smiling and happy and light hearted and kind. I’m sure he’s all those things and many more now.

And I know that those eyes and that smile will meet me in Heaven one day and none of this will matter anymore.

Until then, I think of him often and pray for his son.

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20 Comments

  1. This is a heartbreaking story; I’m glad that your heart is mending, and that your visit brought peace.
    I’m glad you found me. I appreciate your focus on making a difference and building hope and opportunity. I look forward to reading more.
    .-= Leslie´s last blog ..Valentine’s by default =-.

  2. Dear Lord, I pray that you give Nell some peace, some soothing for her raw wounds. Give her the knowledge that you are there for her, her family and his as well. In Your Name I pray, Amen.

  3. You are brave and wise for going to visit him. Brave because…how awful to have to remember and feel those things again. Wise because…I can only imagine this helping you to cope with the pain. Your time was well spent there, and I’m so glad you’re starting to feel comforted.

    On a less serious, but no less heartfelt note, thanks for stopping by my blog! I’m so glad you did; what a beautiful place you have here 🙂
    .-= Sarah @ This Heavenly Life´s last blog ..7 Quick Takes Friday, #51 =-.

  4. Nell-
    Behind every story are dozens of continuing stories…thank you for sharing yours. Like you said, so many lives were changed.

    Thanks for not only stopping by, but for leaving a comment. Comments are so encouraging!
    Blessings.
    .-= imoomie´s last blog ..Mom’s Taxi… =-.

  5. Someone said “multiple layers of coomplicated grief” up there, and that just sounds so true reading the stories you have posted regarding this. I am so sorry for your pain, and I’m praying that God will provide more peace and closure for you as time moves on. Thanks for sharing your story with some much honestly and courage.
    .-= robin´s last blog ..shoelaces =-.

  6. What strength and courage you showed in visiting the grave site. I hope that the flicker of comfort you felt today stays with you and helps you as you continue to heal.

    Thanks for visiting me at my blog. I am glad to have found you and your site.
    .-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..On Pea Soup and Edgar Pine =-.

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