I’m laying on the couch, pillows propping me up, blanket covering. It’s cold outside. Really cold. Like, we’re talking zero degrees with below zero temperatures with the wind chill. I hear its the coldest winter in 20 plus years. It would figure my last winter in Missouri would be the coldest in 20 years. Maybe it’s God’s way of reminding me what I’ll be missing when we move to Texas later this year.

I’m fighting the urge to go throw up as I write this. My head is pounding, my eyes hurt, I’m dizzy, and sick to my stomach. I have what I like to call a Lymegraine – a migraine for those with Lyme disease seems to be much worse than a normal migraine. Certainly mine are like none other I’ve had when healthy. But I have a life I have to show up for, even when this sick.

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This morning I woke up, after a night of throwing up, and holding my head crying, to an alarm clock that wouldn’t shut up. I wanted to stay in bed, but I had kids to get ready for school, and a five year old that pooped himself in the night to clean up. After getting them dressed and fed and sent off to school, and the younger one bathed and clothed and fed and back into bed for cartoons, I now have to log into work and work as much as possible.

My husband and I did have plans to meet his parents for lunch but there’s just no way I can do that today. I feel bad that he will have to go without me. I know his parents wanted to see me too. But even the mere thought of food makes my stomach churn, let alone eating it, smelling it, and seeing it. So I will cancel that part of my day. But that is the only part of the day I can cancel.

It would be much easier to deal with being sick if I didn’t have life to show up for but in some ways I feel that this life I have to show up and do is what’s saving me from the pits of this disease. I still deal with all the symptoms of this hellish thing called Lyme disease. My life is affected by it. And so are the lives of my family. But I still show up and do life because, well, I have to. If I could stay in bed and just hang on for dear life, I probably would. I can’t. Most days, I can’t.

So I hold my head, squint my eyes while looking at the computer screen, and pray to God he’ll heal me already, so I can do life better and actually enjoy it like healthy people do. Until then, I keep plugging away, getting kids ready for school, cleaning up poop, working a full time job, all while holding my head and hugging the toilet.

This is life with Lyme disease.

#justwrite

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