Snuggle Closely, My Love.

While visiting one of my favorite blogs, written by one of my favorite people, I stumbled upon her Babywearing in NYC video. First, if you don’t know Leigh and her talented/beautiful family, you totally should go meet her now. Obviously quite beautiful, it runs very deep with her. She is interesting and uber talented. And a super cool Mom, I might add.

But I digress.

She, her husband and two little boys put together a very lovely video {adore the song!} of Leigh {and cutie pie baby} babywearing and breastfeeding in NYC.

Oh if I didn’t find scenes of NYC magical before, there’s no way I could watch this and not be enchanted now. The chill in the air, you can feel through the computer screen. The sounds of NYC you can hear even though they aren’t on the video. And that sweet baby breastfeeding while being held snuggly in the sling.

It’s all so magical and beautiful and tugs on the heart strings.

Haven’t seen it? Watch and then finish reading my post.

Watching the video makes me long for the days long ago that I breastfed my babies. Even though the experiences were never what I had hoped and ended much too quickly for either of us.

Nonetheless, I still long for them again. I long for the experience I always hoped for, and tried so damn hard for with this last baby.

Between tongue tied babies and thrush and babies who’d nurse forever and still be hungry and the thrush… did I mention the horribly painful thrush that never let up?

I’m especially sad about this last time. I was 100% determined, committed and loving the experience. Oh, it was so wonderful and magical. Sure, the same problems persisted but I didn’t care, I was going to feed this baby for months, or longer. And then the thrush revisited me again…

Breastfeeding didn’t last.

And sadly, it was the shortest of all three.

The pain was the most intense … and likely, shocking to many, I just got it mostly under control. Its been nearly a full year since I stopped.

{If you don’t know about my Candida infection, read about it here. That is what has caused my painful thrush.}

I still see women breastfeeding and cringe, wishing that were me and the baby. I see pictures and videos and it hurts my heart. I feel regret and a sense of being cheated by my own body. And I now know how desperately important it is for baby’s health to breastfeed.

And so I feel such stinging sadness.

I wish I could be given another chance. I wish I could go back, but I can’t.

With my two older boys I never took pictures of them nursing. I am sad by that. I was so in love with breastfeeding our baby this time. So deeply in love with him and keeping this amazing bond for us both, that I took a few pictures early on. I now wish I would have taken more, but I’m oh-so-thankful I took what I did.

This time around I knew how special it was. I knew what a bond it was. I felt it deeply. And it hurt all that much more when I had to let it go.

I’m slowly getting past the hurt and upset of it. But, if not given the chance to experience it the way I know I can if only my body would cooperate, I fear I’ll always live with the regret that it didn’t work out the way I had wanted so badly. Or deserved so much. We all do. As do our babies.

So, I’ll hold onto these pictures of mine as some of my post prized possessions of my time Mothering & look back on them with bittersweet tears.


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  1. What a sweet photo Nell! I only have one of Paige nursing, and none of Fynn…
    I’m so sorry it didn’t work out for you. But from what I think I know about you, I’m sure you made bottle feeding a special bonding time for you and your babes. I know you held them closely, breathed in their babyness and warmth, and treasured the moments together.
    .-= Corinne´s last blog ..A friendly reminder =-.

  2. aww…what a precious picture. Xavier is the only one out of the 4 that I have breastfed ( still am ) and I regret not even trying to bf with the other ones { when you know better you do better right ? }
    .-= Valerie´s last blog ..Baby it is cold outside =-.

  3. I am sorry you had such a hard time nursing. I had a hard time both times as well and a horrible case of thrush with #2…I can relate the pain in that. Thankfully you have a little man who LOVES to snuggle you and gives you special bonding moments that way!
    .-= Nini Lettner´s last blog ..:: Chills :: =-.

  4. What a sweet photo, Nell. Thanks for sharing that story with us and being so authentic.

    And I agree about Leigh, by the way. She is such a cool, inspiring mom…and sometimes I want to move to NY when I read her blog. 🙂
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..TOP 10 Blog Posts of 2009 =-.

  5. What a lovely photo. I had a case of thrush with Levi. It was truly awful, but I think yours must have been so much worse. If it hadn’t finally let up, I don’t think I could have continued. It is hands down the worst prolonged pain I’ve ever experienced. I hate for you that yours has been so bad, and I am praying that you get another (thrush free) chance.
    .-= Madeline´s last blog ..As If There Weren’t Enough Reasons To Love Him =-.

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