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sustenance

I don’t search because I want my pain validated. I don’t push and push for a diagnosis because I need others to realize the truth behind my pain.

I’m exhausted – tiring of the trips to the doctors offices, the needles, the blood, the tests, the call backs that “everything looks fine here” and the growing looks from others that it’s all in my head.

And just so everyone knows, it doesn’t help when you say, “well, you don’t look sick”, because that simply feels like you saying, “you must not feel that bad because you don’t look that bad to me.”

When the doctors ask how many children I have, I know immediately why they’re asking me that. I can read their thoughts like some kind of psychic.

“She has three little boys, she is just overworked, tired, stressed and making this harder on herself than it really is.”

As if any doctor would approach a man with such a question.

Though the mere fact that my symptoms are now manifesting on the outside of my body means it’s getting worse by the week, I’m somewhat grateful that it has gotten to this point, as now I have a way to prove something just aint right here.

I wade through the muck and mire – through the symptoms, the pain, the thoughts of others, the looks from others, my own mind talking back to me… searching for the truth.

It has been a long and frustrating battle to dig into the truth. 2 years, 7 months straight of testing and doctors and blood, and I’m still hanging on the edge of truth and mystery.

mystery diagnosis, no doubt.

Part of me does this for my baby, as he grew sweetly in my belly when this all began. Give up, and I might not ever know what is causing it, and what if whatever it is broke through to his body while in my womb? I must know. I simply must know.

More tests ordered.

More hope.

mixed with a lot of fear and worry that nothing will come of this test, like the hundreds of others.

When I’m overcome with the pain and fatigue and worry and fear and doubt and of the unknown, I look out my front door and find this scene staring back at me, and I’m calmed and peaceful and hopeful and filled with His faith and love again.

And it sustains me for yet another day.

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4 Comments

  1. I have a dear friend of mine who had very similar feelings. Always tired, always in pain. Nothing helped. She was “diagnosed” with fibromyalgia. Ready to deal with years and years of constant exhaustion and tiredness.

    Then, she discovered something. Through trial and error, she discovered that she was allergic to corn products. Even things as simple as corn starch. She’s cut out everything with even a hint of corn (most everything has high fructose corn syrup in it…) and now is almost back to 100%. You might look and see if there is something similar going on….

  2. Nell, it must be so frustrating. Having to explain and defend and prove.
    You’re doing such good things for yourself, and for your family. There’s obviously something going on, and knowing what it is will be able to help move you in a new direction, which will be so good for you and the family. Love to you!!
    .-= Corinne´s last blog ..Open =-.

  3. Nell,
    I can’ tell you how happy I was to see your comment tonight !
    For some reason I thought you ‘d decided to disappear quietly from the blog world.
    I wasn’t able to click onto you at all
    and now I’ve found you …..or you found me?
    stay girl.

    and this physical mystery thing. wow. A friend of mine was just told she has chronic fatigue syndrome. I haven’t read all of your story,
    but I do echo the comment above re food . I react physically and mentally to gluten, lactose, corn, sulphites, potatoes, peanuts, etc.
    Nothing over the top, but the combo sets off a weird cycle of autoimmune symptoms .

    anyway…. off to catch up.
    hope you get to the bottom of this.
    prayers and hugs.

    deb

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