The early morning sun kisses my large picture window. I’m awake already, well before the sun decides to join me. My eyes scan the room for what feels like the thousandth time. I’m wide awake.

I feel the familiar burning in my joints like hot coals burning my body and every muscle in my body aches like I’ve just run 20 miles up hill.

I didn’t sleep all night. I don’t remember when my body has relaxed into a peaceful nights slumber.My mind can’t bring to memory how that type of sleep feels.

It feels like I’m running another low-grade fever. My body is fighting something but what, I do not know. I ache like I have the flu but I don’t.

The sudden scream from my oldest son calls to me from the other room. It startled me right out of myself. I sit up, take a deep breath, mustering what little energy is stored up and I walk towards the noise.

They are fighting.

They are loud.

again.

I don’t have it in me to meet their noise level, so I walk over to them and manage to calm them down and restore peace… for the moment.

My heart is pounding from the fatigue but I press on.

The sunlight pouring in from the large picture windows and skylights hurt my eyes and cause me to squint. I love nature and the warm sun – how it dances off your skin and sings a song, but now it just hurts to be in it.

I’m leaving a trail of my hair wherever I go. You’ll find it in the usual places, like the bathtub and on the hairbrush, but now you’ll find it hanging off my clothing, wrapped up in my baby’s hand, all over the floor.

In the midst of the noise and busyness of the day my mind wanders, thoughts swirl, occasionally I’m tormented with fear. Such an ugly and evil voice fear has. It pierces my brain.

  • you’re dying
  • they’ll never figure this out
  • you’ll suffer forever
  • you think you’ll run again? you can’t even walk without growing weary.
  • you’re a terrible mom
  • look at you, you’re pathetic

The familiar sting of hot tears well up in my eyes but before they have time to spill out all over my face, anger bubbles up from my soul…

NO! No you don’t! I rebuke you, fear. You evil and nasty thing, you. I WILL figure this out. I will recover. I will run. I will thrive. I will not die but I will live and declare the Glory of my sweet Lord Jesus!

The tears disappear and I tightly grip the ounce of energy I now have, using that to push and pull and drag me through the day.

I speak to my body;

you’re strong

healthy

vibrant

you’re full of energy and love

I scribble notes in my journal. Notes of who I am and who I want to be. Little pick me ups just for my tattered and worn out heart.

Notes like;

take flight

stay grounded

spread your wings

land

embrace freedom

find your way home

..

and

..

sparkle

shine brightly

smile sweetly

giggle

play dress up

wear red lipstick

be you. love you.

#####

I manage to make it through another day.

And somehow, likely because of my faith in the Lord, I find the goodness in the tender and peaceful moments that make their way through the pain and into my heart, nestling themselves sweetly into the cracks.

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8 Comments

  1. I’m so glad that you have a strong faith to pull you through this. Jesus is such a comfort when life throws big curve balls our way. I wish I could do more. You are in my prayers. Hugs to you, sweet Nell.
    .-= Madeline´s last blog ..More of the Baby Belly =-.

  2. I came here to return the comment love (glad you found my blog!), and realized I’m here to do more than that…
    I’m so sorry for what you are experiencing, and will hold you up in prayer to our Lord who can do ALL things. I pray for answers for you, but mostly for peace and comfort that only HE can give.
    I’m reminded of a sermon we heard at church not long ago, and feel I should share with you. We were reminded of the story of Job, of all he went through, all he endured. Reminded that through it all, he loved God and believed in His word. Reminded that even when we feel hopeless, feel like we’ve lost everything, that LIFE is important, it has value, and no matter what, God does have a purpose in all things, and He will never give us more than we can handle.
    Hugs and prayers for you Nell. Stay strong and never lose hope.

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