Seven years of chronic illness is seven years too long. I know this isn’t God’s best for me and Dash. I know in my heart He had better plans and still does. That stinkin’ little tick made its way to my ankle and changed our lives. But I know God is, and will continue, to redeemed our story, our lives, making a difference with us through our stories. But I won’t lie. It’s hard raising children being chronically ill. Especially when chronic fatigue is your major symptom. I do my best. I keep truckin’. It’s what I have to do and what I want to do.
Talked to my brother yesterday. Every time I see the 866 number pop up on my caller ID I run to the phone and happily answer it, no matter what I’m doing. You see, he’s in prison – for life. I can’t pick the phone up and call him. I have to wait for him to call me. So it’s a joy whenever he does. We talked for about ten minutes. We talked about favorite books and authors and genres of books. We made jokes and laughed hard. We always do. And for a split second I forget he’s locked up behind bars. That he’s been gone for ten years in prison. And then the automatic message interrupts our call letting me know I’m talking to an inmate and I’m smacked back into reality. Gosh how I miss him.
Took the kids for a walk this afternoon. I really didn’t want to but they wanted to so I did. I’m so exhausted from cleaning the house. Two hours of cleaning wipes me out so much that I can hardly do anything else the rest of the day. It used every single bit of energy I have to do it. My body screamed at me to lay down and take it easy. Lyme disease wasn’t going to rule my world today, so I got up, got dressed, shoes on, out the door for an adventure with my kids. We walked to the pond, and park, and picked up sticks, and logs that were turned into guns, and pulled plastic out of the pond. I’m so glad I went.
I’m stitching a hoop that says “Let your faith be bigger than your fears”. Words to live by for sure. I try my best to keep my faith up. I have to admit something though. For years during my illness I fought against this disease with all of who I am. It was a daily faith battle and it truly ran me into the ground. Fighting the good fight of faith is exhausting. It’s not that I’ve given up on supernatural healing. It’s more like I’m riding on hope that it’ll happen. Less bull dog faith and more butterfly hope… fluttering through life on the wings of hope. I hope Dash and I are healed one day. I’m able to rest now. I’m not spiritually exhausted anymore. I can just enjoy Jesus and quit focusing in Lyme disease. It’s been better for me. I know that whether it’s in this life or next Dash and I will be healed.
My husband and I went to the grocery store a couple days ago. I love going on errands with my husband. He means the world to me. After ward he wanted Chinese food. I don’t like Chinese. I got burned out on it back in the early years of our relationship. He loves it. I don’t. But because I wanted to please him, for Adam to have something he really wanted, I agreed to go with him to a new place he’d never eaten at before. That is what marriage is about. Give and take. Compromise. Doing things for the other person you know they’ll enjoy and appreciate even if it means you do something you don’t absolutely love yourself. The food was okay. The company, on the other hand, was perfect. This year marks 13 years married, 17 together. I love this man and plan on spending forever with him.