why am i here?

I’ve been on the struggle bus as of late. Pain overload, fatigue, and just a yucky flare up of Lyme symptoms. Most likely because of the rapid killing off of bacteria with my current upping of herbal treatment. Whatever the case, it sucks. It’s hard to wake up in pain and go to bed in pain. It’s hard to literally wake up tired, spend my day tired, and go to bed exhausted. I really hate it. I want to be honest here in this space, I’m a positive and optimistic person. I see the blessings in each day, the joy in the small moments, I see God in my journey. I am grateful for every small thing that all adds up to a beautiful and full life. Having said that, I’m sick of being sick.

My mental health hasn’t been the best either. I’ve been struggling with an uptick of depression and questioning my purpose in life. Honest to God, I just have no idea why I’m here. It may be a mid-life crisis. Crazy that I’m now old enough for a mid-life crisis now. Do I write for a living, do I make art, do I do this or that or do whatever? What is the reason I’m here? And how do I live out that purpose? I’m just in a physical and mental funk, I think.

It’s really something else how I can have all of this swirling around and yet, I can take walks with my family and love every second. I can draw a flower and bee and it fill me with joy. I can talk with my husband and enjoy every moment. But, it’s in the quiet, in the time spent alone that I wrestle with 14 years of disease and a lifetime of feeling lost in why I’m here, what is God’s reason for me on earth? What is my unique purpose?

This is a bunch of rambling but maybe somewhere in this rambling you’ll see a bit of your own story and relate to mine. I know I’m not alone. In fact, I posted a poll on IG and 100% of the people who responded voted they also wonder what their purpose in life is. I hope I figure it out. And I hope you do, too. And shoot, even if we don’t, I hope we have peace with that and continue being grateful for our lives – even if they aren’t perfect or pain-free.


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