Close up, I look thin. My face looks much different in a close up picture than a far away picture. The fat girl my body has grown into looks nothing like that fat girl in a close up Instagram photo. It’s no mystery why I prefer a close up.

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You see my eyes and my cheeks and every part of my face in a close up. Far away, you just see a big round fat face. Not that I’m saying it’s an ugly thing to have a round face. It just isn’t me. I’ve never been overweight. I’ve never had a face like I do now. I still don’t recognize myself when I see pictures like the one below.

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(Picture above is from this week. Picture below is when I first got sick and hadn’t put on 50 pounds yet.)

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I’m sure some may say, then lose weight. If only it were that simple. I gained weight when I got sick with Lyme disease. The disease has been attacking my glands. It has thrown off my hormones. I lose about ten pounds and then it all but stops coming off. I also can’t go really low carb because my body reacts like it has low blood sugars – I get shaky, super weak, and fatigued. I would rather have energy and not be shaky than lose weight, I guess is what it comes down to. I already feel like shit enough, there’s no reason to add to those feelings.

I really want to embrace the beauty that is in me right now. The beauty of my body and my face. The beauty of who I am on the inside. And to a degree, I do. But, there’s still just something so frustrating about being sick with a disease that has taken soooo much, including my figure. I know when I’m healed by God I will drop the weight fast. I just hold onto the truth that God wants me well, Jesus paid the price, and one day I will walk free from Lyme, all its side effects, including weight gain, and be the full and complete person He created me to be.

Until then, I will work on embracing who I am where I am in these moments of fighting disease while living life.

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